Recently I went to a bbq thrown by a rather large Hollywood producer; and when I say large I mean FAT. The guy is a fuckin' pig. He's one of the fattest producers in the business, but also one of the biggest career-wise.
I usually don't go to these types of affairs for two reasons. One, I hate banal conversation. Two, I always get the same annoying question: Whatever happened to the Jamie Kennedy Experience? Normally, I can handle boring, mindless conversation, but I can't deal with THAT goddamn question. When I get it, which is almost always, I immediately want to reply
"I don't know, I've never heard of that show. My show wasn't called the Experience, it was called the Jamie Kennedy Experiment.!!! If you're such a big fuckin' fan, can't you at least get the name right?"
Getting the title wrong isn't what really gets me, though. What gets me is that I have to remind a bunch of people in the industry that my show was...ahhh...CANCELLED! And it happened 3 years ago. That's when they go on to ask me why the show was canceled. Oh, I don't know, maybe because networks are assholes??
On this occasion, my agent told me to go because he wanted me to meet with some producers who might be interested in working with me on developing an idea, and all that so on and so forth bullshit. It felt like your basic Sunday morning Hollywood barbecue with all the Hollywood accoutrements: great food, open bar, massage table, ping pong, swimming pool. So I'm talking to these producers, trying to focus on their empty Hollywood speak, when I spot an attractive little sprite out of the corner of my eye, running around without any pants on. And I thought to myself ...so it's THAT kind of Hollywood barbecue.
I turned to get a better look at her and maybe make eye contact when I realized I wasn't looking at a free-spirited Roller Girl kind of chick. I was looking at a girl...a little girl.. YUCCKK.
I fucking hate that!
There's nothing worse than when you think you've seen a hot chick and it turns out to be a fucking 8 year old. I know you're thinking: what are you, fucking sick?!? But you don't understand, this happens to me at the beach sometimes.. I'll be there with a friend and see a girl in a bikini from 200 yards away and kind of mosey on over to her by nonchalantly kicking my soccer ball farther and farther. As I get closer, working on my opening line, I realize she's not wearing a bikini. She's wearing princess panties and a life jacket. I'm trying to flirt with a fucking fetus! Then I'm like, FUCK, that's my neighbor's granddaughter. Puke.
There should be some kind of beach code: Girls under 10 have to carry a bright orange sand pail. Girls under 13 have to wear a 1-piece swimsuit. How young is too young to not to wear pants? The sun fucks up depth perception something fierce.
Any rape, I look down at the kid at the barbecue a little further and I realize she doesn't have any bikini bottoms on either...or as I like to call them, UNDERWEAR! Don't get me wrong, I'm all for freedom of expression and being one with your body 'n shit, but this party wasn't being thrown in Thailand so a pantless 6 year old girl didn't really fit.
What's weird is, she was tall. Like abnormally tall. She was either advanced for her age or had some sort of glandular condition, I don't know. All I can tell you is that she was probably seven and if you looked at how long her femurs were, at the top you could just make out what looked like the beginnings of a bush. I know. I know: nasty! But it ain't me, I'm the victim here.
I'm sitting there nibbling at a restaurant-grade KOBE beef burger trying to avoid making direct eye contact with her 1st grade furburger, and what does she do? She comes up to me and asks if she can have a bite. Then, just to add insult to felony, she gets really wobbly and kid-like so I have to hold her up as she eats. Great, I thought to myself, I've got a hairy stumbling pantless toddler eating out of my hand while my other hand rests near her ass region. The whole thing was incredibly uncomfortable.
Now comes the hard part. My hands are full, my attention is focused on keeping the Skittles-addled rugrat upright, and I have to do everything I can NOT to look down and see her exposed you-know-what.
I know what you're thinking...HIT THAT SHIT, JK!! Oh, I get it. It's okay for Roman Polanski to do it because critics love his movies, but not me. Oh...it's not okay? My bad. Kidding!! Some idiot might believe that.
Seriously though, no matter who it is, no matter how old, fat, young, old, mom or nun, if someone walks in front of you naked...you gotta look. An 8 year old walks into a room, you're going to look at his dick. Make sure it's there. Your mother walks into a room...you're gonna check out her twat. Not in a sexual way. It's just a glance and then bye-bye. No judgments. I looked, now I'm done. That's it. You'd do it and you know it. We all do it. It's our nature.
Of course if you're caught, then you're the weirdo. That's the weirdest part of my whole situation: the fact that I might look at her spot and then be the one who is judged. I'm the weirdo!? What about the seven year old with no pants on?! Or the parent of the seven year old with no pants on?! If you're old enough to spell pants, you're old enough to wear them. I love how I am the only one willing to come to grips with this half-naked reality and I am the weird one! I'll never understand.
Fortunately, JonBenet got her legs under her and finished pecking at my meat before her mother and the barbecue's host (The F(ph)at Producer) came over to say hello and ask about whatever happened to the Jamie Kennedy Execution. I ended up talking to them for awhile. The mother said they're on the girl's 3rd school in four months. She can't keep her pants on, is what the teachers and administrators keep saying. Imagine that. Her mom was totally zen about it though. She told me in her typical Hollywood parenting way, "Hey, at least she has a nice ass."
Posted by Jamie Kennedy at 10:48 AM