12/7/03
What did I do today? Well I slept 'til noon, ate breakfast, rehearsed with Traylor (Howard), had some ice-cream, didn't have sex, and watched "Scarface" again. Michelle Pfeiffer can't dance.
12/8/03
I fucking hate these vegemite farmers. Fuckin' drama. The lady who does my makeup is really nice, but she talks...A LOT!! So I'm in the trailer this morning getting my makeup done, and my lady is in the middle of one of her very long stories about Russell Crowe, when I touch her by accident. She jumps up and goes "excuse me!" and it went downhill from there.
I say, "Erin, why you freakin' out?"
She says, "you startled me for a sec, that's all."
I say, "I didn't mean to startle you. Don't freak out, you know I can grope you anytime I want, it's part of my contract."
Then another woman in the trailer named, well--lets call her..."Big Fat Toni the other make-up lady who looks like a pirate"--opens up her big yap and says "Ah naheu you cant"
I say, "Are you serious?"
She says, "Yeah".
I say, "Damn I have to renegotiate then." Then I say, "are you retarded, how the hell am I going to getting groping put in a contract?!"
She says, " ..I don't know, most actors are horrible."
I almost fuckin' lost it. I mean, yeah we all know I'm working on a celibacy stamina record down here, but really let's look at the facts! In my career, I've done 3 make-out scenes including one with Carmen Electra and another with Amber Valetta. I have gotten on base with a certain incarcerated socialite. I have had heavy flirtations with a certain Asian superstar, dated Numbers 78, 54, and 5 on Maxim 100 (not this year, a few years back), and have had encounters with extras, strippers, and B-actresses in and around the Continental U.S. But you know what? Let's forgot all that, and start getting into the molestation business. In fact, let's put my whole career in jeopardy for you, a fat middle aged make-up artist from the bush with moles. Let's make YOU the apex of my groping career.
Even Arnold's like, "Jamie, please, you're inappropriate." Dumb fucking beauty consultant. Get a clue!!!
P.S. to reader: it seems like I'm angry a lot, I know. I will start working on it in therapy as soon as I get out of this trashcan of a country.
12/9/03
Nothing really going on today, we're behind though, that's for sure. They are rigging a scene where the baby pisses at me with the strength of a fire hose.
I said, "That's stupid."
They said, "Are you kidding?! That will help us at the box office, pee sells."
I said, "Why don't you guys give the kid a 10 inch cock, that'll sell. I'd pay $8.50 to see that."
They looked at me like I was Michael Jackson in a room full of kindergarteners. Nobody gets my humor here. I'm about to complete the world's biggest piss joke.
12/10/03
So I'm in this scene with Traylor and the little baby and I'm supposed to be scared and nervous and dripping wet. The whole time, all I could think about was Traylor's legs. I kept thinking, "Damn...my movie wife has some nice gams." I know I'm supposed to be connected to my scene and all, but I couldn't take my eyes off her calves. I wonder if Bob DeNiro does that?
I constantly think of other things when I'm in the scene. The words bore me. It's been happening a lot lately. I guess I'm not very "method." During my close-up where I'm hollering at the neighbor, I kept thinking about the pumpkin pie I had at lunch. I'm still craving it.
12/11/03
I just watched The Hulk in my trailer, who cares.
12/12/03
I'm tired as hell. One more week before Christmas. I've been here almost five weeks already, and it's flown. I was kind of depressed today until I took a shit, then I felt much happier... gross but true. The scenes are becoming a blur. I've never worked so much in my life. I like it and feel lucky. From June 2001 until now, I haven't stopped working. I'm too scared to stop.
12/13/03
You know what question I really hate, "How was your weekend?" There's so much pressure. It always feels like my answer isn't good enough and that I have to make up a big lie or something.
A guy said, "Hey Jamie, how was your weekend?"
I said, "I mostly slept and did some laundry."
He was like "Oh" and then acted all disappointed. I feel like saying, "Screw you asshole, that's not good enough for you? What did you do this weekend, climb the Himalayas?"
I asked him back..."what'd you do this weekend?"
He said, "I went to a BBQ."
Oh Bigman, like that's soooooo much better? Wow, I'm impressed. It doesn't matter now anyway, because that question was fucked forever last Saturday night when Saddam Hussein was captured. Think about the guy who captured him. Who's ever going to top him???
I mean imagine asking him that question. "Hey what'd you do this weekend?"
Well, Friday was boring, I slept mostly... but Saturday I managed to infiltrate a farmhouse on the outskirts of Tikrit, and there in a hole.... I managed to find the evil dictator Saddam Hussein! Then Sunday I watched "Bruce Almighty" on dvd!
You're like, "okay, fuck, you win! You're the master of the weekend!"
I did laundry, but the soap machine broke. I used Dove, but made too many bubbles. Then I asked some girl out at the dryer, and she shit on me.
12/14/03
Dear Diary, today the baby cried and cried. Why it was so upset, no one knew. But he was very tired. In other news, Steve the dog trainer also cried....because Bear could not put his hands over his head and the producer decided to pull the plug on the gag.
He said, "We'll live with what we got."
Steve got so upset, he said, "One more chance goddamnit, please??"
Producer said, "Nope, moving on."
Steve got livid and screamed, "Aw fuck it then, it's all shit anyway! Shot's so far away you might as well use a goddamn bird."
12/16/03
I'm really starting to like Sydney now, but my sex problem hasn't gone away. I went up to a girl on the street last night and told her she had the most plump lips and all I wanted was a kiss. After a few funny looks she obliged. I thought, shit! That's all I have to do? This is just a numbers game. So any lips I like, I'm gonna use that line. The trick is to not take it personally when the women tell you to stick it up your arse!
12/17/03
Traylor is really funny. Half the lines that are funny, she wrote. She's got great timing. She's Tea Leoni but with a better ass. God she's got a nice butt. Sometimes I just wanna squeeze it, but I can't because that has nothing to do with the scene. I guess I could squeeze it and say I was just rehearsing and doing what my character would do to his wife when he got home after a long day at the cartoon office. Is that unprofessional? I guess it is...but Hollywood's great like that. It's the only place where touching and sexual harassment are encouraged. Before you do a take you get touched by so many people: makeup ladies, wardrobe, camera operators, sound guys. So naturally you get used to it. Postal workers don't get that. Poor guys. They don't even get hugs after they deliver a big package.
I don't know, all I'm saying is that in Hollywood, people kiss you and it's not weird. Doctors can't do that shit. They can't be like "Hey baby, how are you? You look great. I'm gonna remove your spleen and after that you'll be pissing fine...ok kisses."
12/18/03
I just looked at my bank statement. The government steals all my money. It's bullshit.
1/12/04
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I hate Australia. Here's why the place doesn't work for me. First of all, everything about it is overrated. Second of all, it's not a service oriented country. Waiters and waitresses get paid $17-$18 an hour. That's why nobody tips. If you're already making $18 an hour, you're probably earning more than most of your customers. So when they ask you for some eggs, you're like "yeah, whatever" 'cause you're not working for their tips. There's no incentive. They also make you feel like it's a privilege for you to come and sit at their table! They are sooooo pretentious.
They all wear trucker hats here. Oh, that's real cool guys, that's a cool NEW fashion! Even Ashton is like "guys it's over...lose the lids." That whole fad was never in anyway, so gay. The girls here are such rats. They won't look at you unless you have a trucker hat on. They also say the word Heaps! "Hey can you pass the sugar, sure I'll have Heaps!" Who says that? Yeah, I had Heaps of sex. Retards!
This place, quite frankly, makes Canada look like Italy. We should make Canada the 51st state and Australia the 52nd. They think they're so "with it." You guys are so cool, you just started playing "In Da Club" here like it's brand new. There's only 20 million people here! Fuckin' assholes, we got more people in Burbank. When they start talking shit about US Policy I wanna say, "Oh yeah, who's gonna help you when you come crying that the Cambodians are invading your ass? Uncle Sam? If it wasn't for us during World War II, you motherfuckers would all be speaking Japanese and eating Shrimp Fry Ry!"
Angry much? You bet your ass! I hate Australia. I hate it so much I wrote a rap about it. Beatbox to this dickheads!!!
I hate Australia, can't even catch a cabbie,
food is shit.
What's a fried fucking Yabbie
Girls here are bitches, straight cock teasers, better known as skeezas. Better learn how to please us
trick
cause we're Americans, not Russell Crowe, bitch. I hate Nicole Kidman, nose looks like witch.
Fuck vegemite, where's da blowjobs tonight, show me some titties and ass and it best be tight.
I hate your country, all dirty stinkin convicts. I'd like to jab your assholes with little broken sticks,
you pricks.
Pass the fuckin' Budweiser true-blue
and this is how we do
this is Jizzle Kizzle,
comin straight from Malibu!
Fuck You!
1/14/04
Nothing going on today except getting a bunch of tiles thrown on my head. There are absolutely no girls on set, so I sleep all day, get hit with tiles, read my book, more tiles, then sleep. Not a bad life I guess.
1/20/04
Wow, today was a huge day. I got to play Virginia (a black woman). I was completely covered head to toe in makeup. I wanted to take a picture of me with my pants off cause I had on black woman face makeup with a white dick. I thought it would be good for the internet or something.
1/22/04
I wonder when the premiere for this movie will be? I remember when I took my father to the Scream premiere. These executives kept crowding around the hummus tray and my dad started talking to one of them.
He said, "Hey buddy, what do you do?"
The guy said, "I'm a movie producer."
My dad said, "Well what have you produced?"
He said, "I just produced a movie called "Under Siege 2" with Steven Segal."
My dad said, "Oh, the movie on the train."
The guy said, "You saw it?
My dad said, "That movie was a piece of shit." The guy looked like he he'd just bitten into a sour lemon and walked away.
Can't take my dad out, he says too much. He can't stop himself.
1/28/04
There's not much going on right now. I just run around with the fake baby a lot. Sometimes when we are doing shots in the street, in front of a large group, I drop the baby on purpose just to freak people out. Most people scream and cry, then when they find out it's an animatronic baby they just call me names and give me dirty looks.
1/30/04
I've had training for everything in this movie. Now I've got a boxing coach. A guy who's been following me around the whole day saying "put ya dukes up." Saying "stick and jab", like I need that? Isn't that what a stunt double's for? I just wanna sleep in my trailer and watch American Idol. Now I gotta jump rope? People are in my ass, plus this guy's gonna beat the shit out of me. I can tell he just wants to wail on some actors. I wish I had a make out coach, or a hand job coach, or maybe just a spooning coach.
1/31/04
I just got the shit beaten out of me by my boxing coach. I can't even grip this pencil to write. He connected three times to my head. He said it was an accident, but I think it was because his girlfriend is hot. He told me she was a kick boxer and I told him that I'd like to spar with her. I said "actually I just wanna wrestle with her," then I got popped. He told me in the Down Under, in order to keep my legs, I shouldn't have sex; it will build stamina. Hey we got no problem in that department!
2/3/04
Larry is fuckin' nuts! I mean, I'm in the middle of a scene with Alan and he goes, "Hey Jamie, it just doesn't look real when you reach down and pull the grenade out like it's floating in air." I said, "Okay, I'm pulling a grenade from out of a coat that's as big as a car, but yet I'm not real?" He's constantly telling me, "Now remember don't make the pig boy face, pig boy isn't real. Remember this madman has stolen your baby and you're scared like in Exorcist." Then he begins to walk away only to come running back and say "Oh yeah, don't forget to break out into song when you're being chased by a giant flowerpot." WTF????
2/4/04
Well, as I write this I'm in green face. Yes, Al Jolson would be proud. It's the first day that I'm doing the mask face. And they changed the script again. Well what else is new? They have shot down four different accents I've tried for the voice of the MASK. I don't know if I should say, "Smokin!" Maybe I should say, "Steamin!" or, how about "Smolderin!" Brillant!!!
Jesus, if they don't want me to use my talents, why hire me? I don't know. On the mask, my lips are painted red. I look like a psychotic transvestite. I also have hair like the jolly green giant. I think the mask should turn me into a transsexual.
2/6/04
Brutal week, brutal! Glad it's over. Wearing the mask for four consecutive days, my skin is burning, my scalp tingling. This part of the movie is making me insecure. There are so many special effects. I'm wondering if it's gonna be funny? It's weird that a movie can be fun to watch, but not fun to film. Who knows what's gonna happen.
2/8/04
I'm so fuckin stupid! God I'm Stupid!!! I just lost $25, 000 in the stock market. I should have known from the start that my stockbroker was a moron. His email address is nakedwaterskier@yahoo.com He actually sent me a picture of himself water skiing ....naked!!!. And after I saw it I still gave him money. What a fuckin' idiot I am. I'm like, "Cool you got that one leg trick down pretty good, well here's my money." I'm a fucking IMBECILE!!!
2/10/04
I just played basketball on set against a 9 year old girl. She was pretty good. I could tell that when she gets to be 19, she is going to be beautiful. She is already pretty, as far as 9 year olds go. If I wanted to go on a date with her now, it would be illegal and people would say I'm a creep and I'd go to jail and be on "To Catch a Predator: All-Star Edition"; but in 10 years people would say "Wow, where did you meet her?! She's smoking, you're the man." Isn't that bizarre? Oh my god, what am I writing?????
2/11/04
I just met Jessica Biel. She is down here doing Stealth. She's fuckin' muscular. Goddamn, she must have stolen some shit from Barry Bonds. Selma Hayek is down here too. I'd like to meet her, but she may just find me annoying. She's got some serious junk in the trunk. Sam Sheppard was eating in our food line today; he went to the wrong tent. Everybody's like "there's the guy who wrote Tru West", and I'm like, "There's the guy that ate our last poached egg." The baby actually laughed today. Finally it's enjoying itself. In 15 years I'll be getting chicks from this film.
2/16/04
My friend just told me that you're not really cheating if you have sex with a condom on. He said it's because "your penis is hitting rubber and not skin". He said it's just like storing your penis somewhere warm. Yeah, tell that to your ballsack. Who's fuckin' protecting them?
2/17/04
Are black people neurotic? I don't think so. You never hear a black guy say, "hey man I don't want you enabling me right now. You are making me feel rather depressed. I'm gonna take a jump in that big lake called ME." I did hear one black guy tell me that he felt like he was on "motherfuckin' suicide watch" though!
2/22/04
My ASSistant, William, is really asking for it. He walks around set like he's too cool for school with his fuckin' hair that he gets relaxed like a bartender at RAGE. He got the job right out of USC so he thinks his shit don't stink. He makes me feel stupid for asking him questions more than once. I'm like "Hey did you pick up my dry cleaning?" He 's like "didn't I already answer that?" Motherfucker, am I your assistant? But there's nothing I can do. He has me trapped. He has all my credit cards, all my info, connections to my house, cars, agents, family secrets, inside info, etc. If I fire him, he could say so much shit about me. He could tell anyone my business. FUUUUCK!!!
He used to always hit on my girlfriend (now ex) too. He was always asking her personal shit like how was our sex life, and are her tits real; totally unprofessional things. I'm not one to talk, but Jesus get to know me a day before you start asking my chick if she's got her clit pierced. The kid is good at typing, though, so what are you gonna do?
I wanna pull an X on him, just to teach him a lesson. Something like this: she would just be getting out of the shower and we would put her in stilettos and she would walk around naked. That wouldn't be weird to him because he caught her sunbathing naked at my house once. He wouldn't think twice about it. Then I would have her seduce him. After he gets all excited and thinks he's got a shot, I'd have her take his pants off and grab his dong and act like she's gonna put it in her mouth. And just before she does I burst in with a camera and say "You've been X-ed!! Nobody is blowin' your nerd ass ....now get me some green tea bitch!!! Where's the fuckin' honey???" Or I could say, "You've been X-ed and you're fired you fucking college lowlife!" Or I could slip some shit into his water that makes your dick go limp and have her jack him off and then say "You've been X-ed and you got a limp cock and you're fired and you're takin' the fuckin' bus back to USC queer. Gooooooooo Trojans!"
2/25/04
So I finally got a date. Finally ...YES!!! I asked her out for sushi on Saturday night. As we were eating unagi she mentioned to me that she'd just seen one of my films.
She said, "I saw your movie Scream on TV last night."
I said, "Oh cool" trying to act coy and not desperate or impressed.
She said, "Yeah I really liked it. My mom really liked it too...you were funny, really goofball.
Well this wasn't the stroking I was looking for, but okay. She took a huge bit of her spicy tuna and said, "That Skeet Ulrich ...he sure is fuckable, huh? Damn my panties got wet just lookin at the TV. Jesus he's hot." As she said that, the waiter brought the lobster she ordered. I think it was hugest fuckin' lobster in the entire Tazmanian Sea. And I'm like, great...it's on me, I'm glad you wanna blow Skeet. Why don't you have some sweet shrimp while you're at it? I'll be in the corner with the dog trainer.
I wish I took her to Hungry Jack.
2/27/04
We had a week off so I just took a little trip to France. I'm sitting in a cafe in Paris right now. A whole group of kids just sat down across from me. These kids are smoking so much, they think it's so cool. Why does everybody wanna grow up so quick? I'm sitting here inhaling tons of secondhand smoke that, quite frankly, I don't want to. Why do I do it? Because I'm an idiot. That's why. I wanna strangle these kids and say "hey second hand smoke kills." I've been asked like 10 times to smoke hash tonight. Everybody wants me on hash. I'm also catching all sorts of eyes. All guys. I guess I'm gay or just gaybait, or maybe I just have a gay vibe. Jenny Craig is on a lot of billboards over here. God, Europe loves Jenny Craig.
3/03/04
They just made me get another physical. For the hell of it I got an AIDS test too. The doctor wanted to give me the results on Friday. Fuck that!!
I said, "I'll wait til Mon."
He asked "Why?"
I said, " 'Cause if I had it, it will ruin my whole weekend."
3/10/04
Jesus Christ, how long have I been here?
3/11/04
I'm at the beach today. Girls in bikinis are such hypocrites. They walk around the beach with these big beautiful bodies, strutting around like they're the Queens of Sheba, and then they get mad when you look at them. They always catch me staring and they're like "what the fuck are you looking at, you fucking pervert pig!" I feel like saying "HEY, if you didn't want me to look, why are you wearing tape over your areolas and dental floss up your ass crack?
3/13/04
People are so scared of Asians for no reason. I was just hanging out with my friend who's Chinese, and we almost got into a confrontation with this big South African dude, who for some reason just backed out. Every time he was about to jump at us my friend would stare at him very intensely and not say anything, and the guy would go from "come on you two dickheads" to "now hold on fellas, no reason for a dust up." It's like they go through this weird association process, where they look at him and go, "little, yellow, Chinese...OH MY GOD KUNG FU!!!!" Then they back off. All he does is stare. It's awesome. He's not even a fighter, he's an engineer. I wonder if we could get free meals that way. Just stare down the waiter when he brings us the bill.
3/17/04
I gotta start banging casting directors. They're all women and some are pretty. I could get lots of parts and it's a good in. You wouldn't even have to pre-read. You could go right to producers. Who do I start with? I'll probably have to start with a heavy one because they're probably the loneliest; just do my goofy guy thing, take all their directions, and then start pulling their hair. You never know with these things, it's such a crapshoot.
3/26/04
I have never in my life been involved with something where I have no idea how it will turn out. One minute I think it will be amazing and cool as shit. The next minute, I think it will be Monkey Bone. Who knows? Audiences are gunning against it anyway, so they may not even give it a chance. But we will see, I definitely love creating and putting it out there. It is a definite feeling of achievement.
3/30/04
They have a custom in the movie business in this country that if you make a mistake while doing a take, they scream out "Slab" (case of beer). Like last week, my phone rang during a take (1 Slab). This week, I dropped my cottage cheese. They start screaming "Slab!" But it was during lunch. It's total fuckin' extortion! I've bought 37 cases of beer for my mistakes, and I didn't even know what they were.
4/3/04
It's the last day of production, and it's been an insane fucking experience. I mean, this is the kind of movie you don't always do, with all these elements. I have many feelings, but mostly I'm feeling excited about the future. I'm feeling fortunate for my position in the world. I have no idea what's going to happen. I don't know if my show or pilot will get picked up. I don't know if this movie will do well. I just know I feel like I gave it my all, and threw it all against the wall and I'm lucky to live the life I live!
Posted by Jamie Kennedy at 8:43 AM