A friend once told me you're not really cheating if you have sex with a condom because your penis is hitting rubber instead skin. He said you're basically just storing your penis somewhere warm, like a dick mitten. Surprisingly, when I was going out with my old girlfriend--let's just call her Botox--she was always afraid I was gonna cheat because I was always going off on location somewhere. "You're desirable," I told her. "You could also cheat." To protect herself from stupid ideas like my friend's, she wanted a written contract that set the rules and parameters for what we were and were not allowed to do. Okay, I thought, how about something like this?
Oh, one disclaimer!: It's important to remember that SHE wanted me to write this "contract" and, since I'm a retard, I couldn't help but make it kind of tongue in cheek and a little ridiculous.
Disclaimer to the disclaimer: I pretty much meant what I wrote. It's one of those things where you throw out a statement that you really mean but then couch it in some goofy way to defend yourself in case someone gets mad at you: like my one gay friend who, at the end of a night of drinking, starts with just the slightest of homosexual overtones:
"Well, no girls at this bar. I guess we could just go fuck each other now! Hahahahahha! Kidding, I'm just kidding! That's crazy, right? Like, any of you guys would like to go back to my place and just suck dicks? Of course not, that's what I'm saying... although it might be fun... KIDDING AGAIN... right? There are no dicksuckers here...are there??"
My point is, my contract falls somewhere in between gospel truth and an absurdist Beckett piece. It's been so long, I can't really remember which parts I meant and which I didn't.
Disclaimer to the disclaimer to the disclaimer: I AM THE PIG! NOT THE GIRL! If I was talking about the girl I would have used a more appropriate word like "slut" or "sucker" or "merciful angel princess". Duh!
Here's a draft:
1.) I can go out with anyone I want, anytime, anyplace, anywhere.
1.a.) You can go out with anyone you want at any time, unless:
1.a.ii) that person is a musician
1.a.iii.) that person is Josh Hartnett
1.b.) You can go out with anyone you want anyplace, anywhere, unless:
1.b.i.) I am at the place
1.b.ii.) I am going to be at that place
1.b.iii.) or that place is in the untied states of america
2.) I have to use a condom at all times except for blowjob because you can't feel them that way, right!?
3) No butt sex...for either of us...giving or receiving.
3.) We will negotiate which holidays to spend together since sometimes we may want our space to live it up. For instance: I'd love to spend Thanksgiving with you, but you have to make that pumpkin cinnamon pie with the soy crust I love so much. Christmas is you, Valentine's is you. But Halloween? New Year's Eve? Memorial Day weekend? That may be me. Arbor Day, Flag day, and Chinese New Year is all you, though.
4.) I can go out with other girls to a casual dinner as friends, except December 7th...your birthday. Strippers count.
5.) Threesomes are okay, unless it involves another guy. I would rather you not bring another guy to bed. If you want to fool around do it on your own time.
6.) I will kiss you after you go down on me as long as:
6a.) you brush your teeth first
6b.) it was yesterday
7.) You can't make me feel guilty if I won't let you spend the night. Other girls cannot spend the night. Strippers don't count.
8.) If we fool around on each other and something weird happens--a guy has a wart, a girl has chafing, some guy bites your clit off, etc--we must tell each other about it. Otherwise, be cool, and try to avoid herpes.
9.) We have to call each other before we come over, ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS!. Not because of cheating, just because I could be running lines and you know how I hate to be interrupted when I'm running lines with really hot girls.
10.) Try not to have expectations. If someone asks if you're involved, say you're open. Unless of course the guy's a scumbag or more famous than me. Then tell him you're six years deep into a committed relationship. And if it's Josh Hartnett, fucking run.
11.) You should purchase all lubes, condoms, dildos, wigs, and heels. I'll pay.
12.) Always know that I love you and care about you and only want you to be happy. I mean, you may get that part in Constantine and Keanu may want to put it in your poop chute. Then where does that leave me? I'm more useful to everyone in this world if I'm honest. I know this contract is unconventional, but so are we. If people can't accept us, they're unacceptable!
Posted by Jamie Kennedy at 6:10 PM