The jacuzzi is one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century. It just screams "sex." Once you step into its confines, you can't help but think porn, Love Boat, and Wilt Chamberlain all in one brainwave. It bubbles scandal.
Back at the hotel, Bill and I decided to get the girls into Marriott's large outdoor jacuzzi. At first, they resisted the idea. They went with the tried and true "with what bathing suit?" excuse. Like a good (opening) comic, quick-witted Dawes came back with the ol,' "Well...the one God gave you" retort, forcing them to compromise. They decided to come in but would stay in their underwear; which was retarded, but a start. The Friend stripped down to a revealing black silk thong, and Bill pumped a fist under the bubbly froth (I hope it was his fist). "Demi" stripped down to a pair of baggy granny panties that looked like she was wearing a dirty diaper. He gave me a look to say, "Haha, sucka!"
After all four of us settled in, I told Dawes to step it up a notch. I said, "Girls, Bill has to go in his birthday suit because he's....Swedish." (HOOO AH!) This move usually gets girls to feel more comfortable with the idea of removing a little fabric. No going--they were staying in their Forever 21s. Now it's naked Dawes, Jamie in his boxer briefs, and two sober girls in their bra and panties. To add insult to injury, Dawes and I are on one side of the jacuzzi, and they are on the other. It's total 6th Grade Winter Dance. Everybody's uncomfortable, and there are no Pina Coladas. Just floating penii.
Finally Dawes grabs a yellow floatie noodle from the pool, attaches it to his penis, and says, "Look, I'm an Asian porn star!" It draws a few giggles from the girls. Things seem to be getting a little better. I decide to throw my hat in the ring, and I back my buttocks right up to the jet as it shoots into my anus. I did it as a joke, but I have to admit, it felt pretty good. I didn't want to leave. That jet was the ring to my Golem. I started squirming back and forth because I had had the itchiest asshole all day. Then I started screaming "MARVIN MARVIN MARVIN" in the most Jewish voice I could muster. Marvin usually kills...but not to these girls. They looked at me like I was the gayest homosexual on the planet.
I finally stop and say, "Girls, you ever try this on your front side?" Crickets. And a pffttt from my girl. I decide to pull off my underpants and twirl the soggy mess like a stripper at Earl's Famous before tossing them on the cement. Demi folds her arms. Grasping at straws by this point, I do my trick where I say, Hey did you guys see the porpoises?! And then immediately go under water and shoot my ass up above the surface and wiggle it around like a porpoise, then come back up and look for a reaction. Tumbleweeds. After a short beat, Dawes does his yellow floatie trick again, saying, "Oooooh, you rike it rike dat!" and receives more light giggles. (Fuckin' prop comic!)
I've had enough of that shit at this point, so I decide it's time to go into Ignore Mode again, and I pull a Clark Griswold. "I'm goin' in the pool," I say. I hop out and jump right into the pool naked. "Who's comin' in?!" AGAIN, nothing. The three of them are all laughing, and Dawes is slappin' his girl on the head with his floppy faux Asian cock, and nobody cares about me!
I'm thinking when did I become the fat girl?! "Hey, it's nice in here," I shout over to them. "They got a basketball hoop." No response. Now I'm desperate, I'm nervous, and Dawes is having all the fun. I look around, scan the pool, and at the top of my lungs scream...."CHICKEN FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!"
The chicken fight is always a great call. It's the perfect combination of fun, laughter, exercise, and a girl's legs wrapped around your neck. The girls perked up from the jacuzzi, looked at each other and went, "Yeah!!!" The girls immediately got up and jumped into my pool. Dawes did a cannonball.
Bill, being an athlete, hoisted The Friend onto his shoulders and revved up for a little flesh jousting. Demi, "The Specimen," started to mount my shoulders while we were still in the deep end. After some struggle, I was able to get under her and lift her up, only to see Bill charging towards me. When he got close, we both realized that our penii were waving around in close proximity to each other like little eels. I shot my ass back, and Bill took the opportunity to lower his shoulders so his girl could get in a nice grab at mine (girl, not penis) before rearing back out of our reach. CHEATERS!!! Demi started squeezing her thighs around my neck to balance herself, and I went under. Bill pushed forward again, and Demi squeezed her legs tighter. I was getting choked out like a UFC fighter. I went under again...so cold...so cold....Finally, she fell back, and I was able to get my head above water and take a much needed gasp of oxygen. Through the fog, and oblivious to the fact that I had a Jiu Jitsu blackbelt as my partner, I heard Bill and his girl laughing and high-fiving.
All in good fun, right? WRONG. Demi was pissed. I told her that Bill was a wrestler with a good base, and that I have a bad heart. She didn't want to hear it. She just wanted a rematch. Fuckin' Jersey girls! I knew I wasn't going to win, and I could tell it was extremely important to her that I did. I wish I could have texted Bill and told him to throw the chicken fight, but my phone isn't waterproof. She hopped back on my shoulders, again in the deep end.
The second fight lasted longer, which meant more torture, gurgling, and drowning for me. Bill just kept laughing in my face as I spit water and tried to breathe through Demi's rear naked choke. Once again, I was under while Bill and The Friend cavorted in triumph. To cap off their celebration, they went back to the hot tub and started making out, and really intensely too.
My girl was pissed. I thought she was kidding, but she was really pissed. She said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Can't you just stand up? I can't believe we lost!" I tried to laugh it off and make out, but she tightened her lips like a dancer at a Duke lacrosse party. She said, "Jesus Christ, you're a fawckin weakling!" Then she told me I was a pussy for not being able to win "one fawckin' chicken fight." I took that shit personally and did the only reasonable thing I could think of. I challenged that wop to a race. One lap across the length of the pool, freestyle. I won by a quarter length. I jumped up and down shouting, "LA crushes JERSEY!!" She squinched her face up even more and told me "I smoke asshole." In defense of myself I threw it in her face that "I don't even have my heart medication and I still won." Gloating and short of breath, I realized this was no way to get her to take off her GRANN-TIES. In my peripheral vision, I saw Bill rounding 2nd base and headed for 3rd just as the jacuzzi timer finished, the bubbles disappeared, and they looked over at the two of us in the middle of some bizarre lovers' spat. And just like that...it was over. Demi walked away from me, and The Friend hopped out of the jacuzzi. They had a quick sidebar and immediately started putting their clothes back on.
Bill and I followed suit and looked at each other perplexed. The girls said they needed to get a cab back to their timeshare. We asked them to stay. They whispered to each other for a bit and said, "No, we have to go back." We got our stuff and went to the lobby to get them a cab. As I put on my boxers and my shoes, I couldn't figure out what was going on. "Bill, what happened? Was it the chicken fight?" Bill just gave me a pffft, like he was from Jersey too. Dejected, I looked down and saw two rather large skid marks in the bottom of my underwear as I was pulling them up. The bottom of my Hanes looked like Jeff Gordon and Dale Jr. went drag racing through mud. Not only was I a bad chicken fighter, I guess I had sharted earlier and stained my shorts. Damn comedy club buffalo wings. What's even grosser is I still put them on.
We put the girls into their taxi and went back to our rooms. Next time, I won't use something as juvenile as a "chicken fight" as my closer. I'll stick to more mature methods like "Spin the Bottle" or "I never." Or maybe I'll just pass her a note asking her, "Will you go with me?"
Posted by Jamie Kennedy at 6:58 AM