I thought I had a good barometer for what people liked. The first four jobs I got in this business were Romeo and Juliet, Scream, Boogie Nights, and As Good as It Gets. I remember reading those scripts and another script called Meet the Deedles. I knew those first four were going to be great and Meet the Deedles was going to be complete shit. Today, Meet the Deedles might make 200 mil. Today, I wouldn't know. It's so unpredictable, it makes me wanna puke. I can't take the instability.
Which is probably why I went into a deep depression after I did Son of the Mask. Here was a movie that was going be like a live action cartoon with inventive animation, sick special effects, and a simple theme that people could relate to: the fear of growing up and actually having a first child...who may be able to fly and shit.
I know it looks nothing like that now, but that was the script and the idea in the beginning, and the plan was very exciting. Plus my only other offer at the time was Without a Paddle. It was like choosing between constipation and diarrhea; I chose diarrhea. People say, "Hey, didn't you read the script?" Yeah I did, and it was pretty good, but it changed throughout production...A LOT. Believe me, I have read a ton of scripts that were horrible, and you just never know how they are going to turn out. EVER. Some end up being HUGE.
I have the first Pirates of the Caribbean script at my house that I got from my friend at Disney. It's 76 pages long with a totally different ending. Johnny Depp's character dances and ends up living underwater in an Atlantis type setting. NO SHIT!!!!!
I have the script for 300, and the scene where they battle for Thermopylae , it just says, "Soldiers fight here." Who knew?! I have the first Scream script where Neve Campbell's character kills Drew Barrymore. Things change.
You just never know.
I recently turned down Delta Farce (the Larry the Cable Guy movie) and decided to do Kickin' It Old Skool instead. Delta Farce is tracking higher. I would never have guessed that a movie about three soldiers who mistakenly believe TIJUANA is IRAQ would be more exciting to people than a breakdancer who's been in a coma for 20 years. (I know, make fun of me here.) I turned down Daddy Day Care to make Malibu's Most Wanted. Daddy did triple the money.
Mike Fleiss and I did a TV show called The Starlet. The New York Times called it the PERFECT reality show. We were pumped, we thought we had Next Top Model on our hands. We even got Faye Dunaway. The show debuted to a .5. For those of you who don't know ratings, that basically means my mom watched it. I'll never understand why it tanked so fantastically.
The point is, I thought I knew what people wanted, but maybe I don't. Maybe I'm destined to be on a third rate sitcom on TBS. The only thing I do seem to have a hold on are my thoughts, and I guess I can share them with you. If you like them, then cool. If you don't, then cool too.
But I'm not up for reading every comment people have, telling me how dumb I am, or what a whore my mother is, or how my acting style is a mix between Saddam's hanging and a Pauly Shore abortion (a real description about me, by the way). If you want to be critical, be critical in context, or constructive. (That's the plot of my next movie: Heckler. More on that to come later.)
So why am I writing this to you? I don't know. I guess I'm looking for new relationships and fresh perspectives outside of the Hollywood quagmire in which I've been ensconced for these past 18 years. Since I've started in this business, those were the only relationships I really had, and I look forward to developing some new ones with you, the reader.
I keep a journal on every movie I've ever done and, rereading this one now, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My hope and naivete are kind of sweet, I guess, but sometimes I want to go back in time, throttle myself by the neck, and fire my agent. I just hope that if you liked me before, maybe this will help you get to know the real me better. If you hated me, maybe this will make you at least neutral. If you don't care at all, maybe you'll laugh a little.
Here's the first half of my journal from Son of the Mask.
JK
"Mask 2 Diaries"- Journal into Green Madness
11/9/03
I just landed in Sydney. It was Friday night when I left, now it's Sunday morning, weird. It's kind of like being in another world. Everything is a little different, but it's similar. The flight was so long that it felt like we were flying to outer space. When I arrived at the W, it smelled like fish and mothballs. My room is the size of a shoe box. Why do I get treated like the red-headed stepchild? At lunch the waiter asked me if I wanted a fried yabbie. What's a fried yabbie, I ask. He said it's a cross between a lobster and a crawfish. When he brings it, it looks like a cockroach!
11/10/03
I pretty much have everything I need. I've got a car with a driver. I've got a nice rental car. I've got a bus that's my trailer, and all the tofu I can eat. They even gave me a cellphone with all the pertinent numbers plugged in. They take great care of me down here. I feel like I'm in some crazy summer camp. Each day I come here, and we have dog training, baby holding class, stunt driving lessons, drawing class, workout, nap, rehearsal with Traylor [Howard], rehearsal with Alan [Cumming], make-up test, and rewrites. In bed by 11:00pm, and up by 6:00am. No time to get into trouble. The dog is getting pretty good. He's funnier than me. There are no girls here. I haven't had a boner in four days.
11/11/03
I met the babies for the first time today and they are really cute. They even look like they could be me and Traylor's kid. I always said that the number one way this movie has to be good, is to have a cute kid. Well, they got two of them since babies can only work 15 minutes every hour. I also did some car driving today; it was actually good because the steering wheel is where it is supposed to be, on the left hand side. The guy said "Can you handle it?" I said "I'm from L.A."
11/12/03
Third day in a row for dog training. Yeah, he's cute, yeah he's smart, but do we have to practice him jumping on my chest everyday? I mean Jesus!! He tells me how this dog can do a back flip and how there has never been a canine in the history of film, who has flipped on screen. He said it could be groundbreaking! "I'll mention it to the director", I said.
11/13/03
I got my haircut today, and the director (Larry Guterman) freaked out. He called at midnight and said, "The hair's gone?" I told him it will grow back. He's like "You need to be disheveled, not neat. People who raise babies are disheveled." He's right, but the girl who cut my hair was so hot, and prettier than all the Spice Girls put together. I just wanted to sit in her chair for the whole day. Every time she would trim she would say "Is it short enough?' I'd say "Maybe shorter." She smelled like mangos, ahhh! I guess I went too short! Ooops. I also went to the rugby final tonight! It was pretty exciting. I have no idea how the game is played, all I know is the Wallabies won. What's a Wallabie anyway? It's a kangaroo but different. This guy told me that if I wasn't careful, he was gonna shag Traylor in front of me. Well shouldn't he ask her first? That's how these dudes are down under they just scoop girls off the street like Vikings and the women have no say. Traylor pissed me off tonight btw. In the middle of the second half she finishes her Heineken and says flippantly, "Go get us some more beers!" Excuse me, I said, I didn't know the name of this plantation I was workin on. "Why don't you fucking go get it!" I said. She said, "Boy you're becoming a real diva! So used to everybody kissing your ass, you can't even go to get us a couple of Heineys?" I said, "No one's kissing my ass, you could at least say please first, and I'm a diva because I don't want to walk through a bunch of Russell Crowe sound-a-likes painted like yellow kangaroos?" So I go to the counter and get her some beers. Then later I go to the ATM and she tells me to get her out 1000 bucks, she forgot her per diem. I'm like, I have mine, wheres yours? Oh I never carry cash on me , she said. I said "how bout in a foreign country?". Then she screams, "god you're so fuckin' cheap." I give her $500. When did I become the asshole?
11/15/03
Okay, I feel like food here is getting weirder and weirder. At dinner tonight, the waiter tells me the special is seared spatch cock. I asked what it was and he told me it was like chicken but more like a tinier, daintier bird. I said I'll pass, and Traylor said, "Come on don't be so closed off, eat it and live a little." I said I don't eat anything with the word cock in it, "if that makes me closed off, so be it." She huffed and said fine, "I'll eat it, ill eat the fuckin spatchcock." Again I don't know why she had to curse at me, but this is our working relationship. I said " I'll have the whitebait please." The waiter said it was an excellent choice. Well, cut to 20 minutes later and it was exactly what it sounded like; pieces of bait, real bait fish used to go fishing with, fried and served with Tabasco sauce. Wtf! I'm not a Mexican dolphin. Traylor smiles and said, "My spatch cock is delish!"
11/16/03
This week is gonna be brutal. Today I got picked up at 6:45 a.m.; there were tons of make-up test rehearsals and wardrobe fittings. Got home at 9:00 p.m. Even if I had the energy to get a boner, which I don't, it wouldn't matter because I still don't see any females ANYWHERE! The women here are kind of tomboyish, which is fine if you're a lesbian. And everyone here has real boobs. Which isn't great. Why? Because they sag. And they're all freckly. I know it sounds shallow but I miss those two protruding missiles walking down Rodeo Drive with vanilla soy lattes in hand. All the girls here wear turtlenecks and sneakers. I'd kill to see just one pair of Frankie B's and fake melons. Come on ladies, show some skin!
11/17/03
Okay, it's official, the dog is a fuckin' scene stealer. He's doing flips, bouncing balls, playing hockey. We get it, you're cute and lovable. But save some screen time for the rest of us. Every time he does a trick, he gets a treat. A nice piece of turkey. I'd like that, wish someone would give me a little treat. They just say, "Jamie, don't talk so loud you'll scare the dog. Just let the dog lick your face for eight licks Jamie." Well, if you want me to do better, give me some kibble. Im startin' to hate that fuckin' mutt. No matter how good that dog is, he still has to wake up in the morning look in the mirror and say fuck I'm still a dog, Jamie can speak and I can't.
11/18/03
The W Hotel is a bunch of con artists, $35 for eggs? Come on, even Donald Trump would do a double take on that bill. Hey guys, just because you play techno music in the elevators doesn't mean you have the right to molest me financially. I guess it's really hip to overcharge. A side of yogurt is $11. Bullshit, I know why it's called the W, because when people go to check out and get their bill, they go What!? Who spent this!? When did this happen!? Their mind is just pelted with question words that start with W. I got one; how about Whore, or Whoa, I didn't spend this!?
11/19/03
I just realized that these babies have no idea that they are in a movie, not only that but, they didn't give their consent either. How illegal is that?! One day they'll be perusing the aisles at Blockbuster and be like, hold on is that me? When did my parents start selling my home movies, wait this is a real movie? When did I do this? I don't remember shit, where did the money go? Why do I drive a Toyota? Where's the fuckin' cash mom?!!
11/20/03
What are the Lakers doing? Is Shaq's big toe better? Is Rick Fox's back healed? Is Kobe dishing the rock more often? I wouldn't know, because we don't get American sports down here, we get Cricket. What the hell is it? You collect wickets? First off, all the games last 5-6 days, days! Who does that? The score is 174 to 146; why so much, why does only one guy get a glove, why does the guy run at the ball and not throw it? I don't get it! But it's all we watch because these guys don't get Showtime!
11/21/03
I'm so tired, everyone is going to Neil Young. Pass, I know he's a legend and all, but I'm too tired. It's the training. I wanna go out, but I'm too tired. This town is a mix of San Francisco, London, and New York. The hookers on the street are 6 ft. tall. They have restaurants here called Hungry Jacks. It's Burger King, except they changed the name. I have nothing else to say, I guess I'll order a $20 hamburger from room service and watch another rerun of Ab Fab.
11/22/03
I'm so wasted right now. I don't usually drink, but that white wine was good. Australia lost the World Cup tonight and the whole town is all depressed. One girl said "I don't know what to do." I told her to take her top off. She didn't even understand. Drove all around the city tonight looking for a Pizza Hut. They have a Starbucks but no Pizza Huts! What did Keanu do when he was here? I heard he had a girlfriend, where is she? Send her over. Sydney's overrated. Good for the Olympics, bad for procreation. They're all criminals here anyway. It's a colony of robbers and pickpockets.
11/23/03
I look at myself in the mirror way too much. It's like I'm having a homosexual affair with myself. It's really sad. But you know what's worse, it doesn't even have to be a mirror. It could be any shiny surface, a car window, the elevator door, a plate. If it's reflecting, then I'm looking! For what, I dunno. How much has really changed from the taxi cab to the restroom at T.G.I. Fridays? Wow, I just did it again. I'm not kidding, I just looked up from my bed and moved the plant so I could look at my profile while I'm writing this. Why? Really need to cultivate other interests.
11/24/03
It's the first day of shooting, and Larry is having me do another fitting because he doesn't like my undershirt. Not the shirt over the shirt, the shirt under the shirt that is not seen. It's an 81 million dollar movie, we've got babies, dogs, special effects, crazy stunts, script rewrites, foreign country problems, plus the legacy of Jim Carrey to deal with, and Larry is worried about my goddamn undershirt. I said to Larry, "If people are noticing the shirt, then we have a problem." He said, "Don't fuck up my vision Jamie, uphold it!!"
11/25/03
The president of New Line said something nice in the trades today. He said he hopes his next big mission is marrying the right guy and girl with the right piece of material. He's hoping it's Mask 2, with Jamie Kennedy and Alan Cumming. My only thought was who's the girl in that relationship? I hope we can catch some of that "Elf" luck with this movie. ILM better make that fucking baby dance, and make him dance good because right now he's starting to look like the The Hulk, and that's scaring me.
11/26/03
So I did some of my first scene today; it's where the baby pukes green foam on me. After the baby does two shots, this lady comes in and takes the baby. I said, "Where's he going?" She said he was done. I said, "No he's not, we've still got two shots left." She said that he was done and that you can't work a baby more than three hours a day and that they don't work past six p.m., it's illegal. I said to Larry, "You see that shit, she took the baby." He said, "I know man, it's the law, she's the baby police, at six we lose the kid." "That's bullshit" I said. He screamed at me and said "I'm not going to jail for a fuckin infant, Jamie!!!!! Now do the scene to the tennis ball!"
11/27/03
The only crazy thing that happened today was that it was Thanksgiving and nobody mentioned it. We just worked right through. I liked it actually. I think Thanksgiving is kind of boring anyway. I asked one of the caterers and he said that he doesn't celebrate it. He said, "It's an America freedom holiday, we're not free, we're still under the Queens bloody thumbs." BOLLOCKS! I said. The guy just stared at me. "Well shouldn't you do something for all the Americans here?" He huffed. "Well we could sculpt a bust of George Bush out of mashed potatoes, and light them on fire to signify the war he just started mate!!" I thought ok that was hostile. I didn't start the war, I just wanted some cranberries.
11/28/03
So right before I do the opening shot of the movie, Larry decides that he wants me to wear a frumpy Dockers type shirt. I hate it! He says, "No, you're going to church." I told him that I wasn't Andy Richter. After a twenty minute discussion about shirts, we go with my shirt. Not much else is happening. I have been waiting in my huge trailer a lot today. So much better than working at Dominos. Getting pretty horny today. I saw the hottest picture of this girl on the internet. I wish I could make her come out of my computer and make her alive.
11/29/03
What did I do today? Rehearsed the same scene with Larry fifty fucking times.
11/30/03
I just went to the canteen on the lot. I went to get some food there, I asked the guy for some chili and he hands me a green vegetable. I said, "No, chili, like a bowl of chili?" He said, "What's that mate?" He had never even heard of chili. He gave me his card and told me to send him the recipes and we would be mates for life. Oh goodie another mate!
12/1/03
Larry is making me CRAZY! Jesus before I can even get a take out, he's battered me to the ground with how to say it, what to say, why I'm saying it, which way to look, and what I'm having for fucking lunch. FUCK! Worry about your breath, Larry. I could direct you to some Listerine. I know he means well, but he's taking me down the path to crazy land, and I'm going to start lashing out and I don't wanna do that. Now what the fuck is it with the extra takes situation? Every time we do a goddamn shot, it's always moving on, checking the gate. Well shit, can we play a little? One more take? Oh, not enough time, they say. Well then why don't they just hire a robot and fuck him in the ass?!
12/3/03
Today was crazy, we shot a scene all morning as a big happy family. But the baby wouldn't stop crying, and the dog kept trying to sniff the baby, and I kept forgetting my line. Then in the middle of all this Traylor and I had to make out. So I start getting a boner because the only time I get girls down here is when I'm doing a scene. I got the dog licking my leg, kissing Traylor, and I've got to deliver this line, holding the baby, all with a boner. I'm like, "Larry, can you give me a minute, I've got a lot going on." It was like the family version of Caligula!
12/4/03
Things are much better today; we're getting the whole day to shoot our scenes. Everybody is calming down, which is good. I've never felt so much pressure on a set before. It feels like there are times that I could just pop, like my head's gonna blow off my body. I'm angry, tense, frustrated, and I wish the budget wasn't so big. I feel if the movie doesn't perform that it's on MY shoulders. But what if ILM makes the baby look like shit? The Hulk looked like shit. What if the baby still has some Hulk residue on it and the people turn away from this flick? Am I going to have to go back to Domino's?
12/5/03
Okay, it's official! The dog trainer is insane. He talks to his dog as if he's human. He'll be talking to Bear, and he'll get mad when the dog won't do the trick he wants, and he'll say. "Let's get it right dummy." The whole crew will wait, and he'll say, "Hold on guys, I'm sorry, I got a real dum-dum here." Then he'll walk up to the dog and say, "Now come on Bear goddamnit that's not the way we rehearsed it, don't fuck it up." The dog would just sit there with his tongue hanging out, happy as a clam. I mean, isn't that exploitation? He doesn't get any money, and if he does, it's not like he wears pants, so he can keep it in his pockets. It's all lies.
12/6/03
The consensus on the set is that the nurse is a slut. People been coming up to me saying, "Hey the nurse is a slut, the nurse is a slut", Now I didn't think anything of it until she gave me a ginseng drink. She said, "It will keep your cock hard." I said, "Will it help with cold and flu?" She said, "Oh yeah that too." Then I overheard her telling somebody that she had a hard time finding someone that could do her doggy style correctly. As opposed to incorrectly? Nurse, I'm sure the best boy could help you out with that. Now I like the nurse, she never did nothing to me. Why am I writing this? I don't know, but I don't think the nurse did anything inappropriate.
To be continued......
Posted by Jamie Kennedy at 9:05 AM