Contract for a PIG - December 16, 2007
A friend once told me you're not really cheating if you have sex with a condom because your penis is hitting rubber instead skin. He said you're basically just storing your penis somewhere warm, like a dick mitten. Surprisingly, when I was going out with my old girlfriend--let's just call her Botox--she was always afraid I was gonna cheat because I was always going off on location somewhere. "You're desirable," I told her. "You could also cheat." To protect herself from stupid ideas like my friend's, she wanted a written contract that set the rules and parameters for what we were and were not allowed to do. Okay, I thought, how about something like this?
Oh, one disclaimer!: It's important to remember that SHE wanted me to write this "contract" and, since I'm a retard, I couldn't help but make it kind of tongue in cheek and a little ridiculous.
Disclaimer to the disclaimer: I pretty much meant what I wrote. It's one of those things where you throw out a statement that you really mean but then couch it in some goofy way to defend yourself in case someone gets mad at you: like my one gay friend who, at the end of a night of drinking, starts with just the slightest of homosexual overtones:
"Well, no girls at this bar. I guess we could just go fuck each other now! Hahahahahha! Kidding, I'm just kidding! That's crazy, right? Like, any of you guys would like to go back to my place and just suck dicks? Of course not, that's what I'm saying... although it might be fun... KIDDING AGAIN... right? There are no dicksuckers here...are there??"
My point is, my contract falls somewhere in between gospel truth and an absurdist Beckett piece. It's been so long, I can't really remember which parts I meant and which I didn't.
Disclaimer to the disclaimer to the disclaimer: I AM THE PIG! NOT THE GIRL! If I was talking about the girl I would have used a more appropriate word like "slut" or "sucker" or "merciful angel princess". Duh!
Here's a draft:
1.) I can go out with anyone I want, anytime, anyplace, anywhere.
1.a.) You can go out with anyone you want at any time, unless:
1.a.ii) that person is a musician
1.a.iii.) that person is Josh Hartnett
1.b.) You can go out with anyone you want anyplace, anywhere, unless:
1.b.i.) I am at the place
1.b.ii.) I am going to be at that place
1.b.iii.) or that place is in the untied states of america
2.) I have to use a condom at all times except for blowjob because you can't feel them that way, right!?
3) No butt sex...for either of us...giving or receiving.
3.) We will negotiate which holidays to spend together since sometimes we may want our space to live it up. For instance: I'd love to spend Thanksgiving with you, but you have to make that pumpkin cinnamon pie with the soy crust I love so much. Christmas is you, Valentine's is you. But Halloween? New Year's Eve? Memorial Day weekend? That may be me. Arbor Day, Flag day, and Chinese New Year is all you, though.
4.) I can go out with other girls to a casual dinner as friends, except December 7th...your birthday. Strippers count.
5.) Threesomes are okay, unless it involves another guy. I would rather you not bring another guy to bed. If you want to fool around do it on your own time.
6.) I will kiss you after you go down on me as long as:
6a.) you brush your teeth first
6b.) it was yesterday
7.) You can't make me feel guilty if I won't let you spend the night. Other girls cannot spend the night. Strippers don't count.
8.) If we fool around on each other and something weird happens--a guy has a wart, a girl has chafing, some guy bites your clit off, etc--we must tell each other about it. Otherwise, be cool, and try to avoid herpes.
9.) We have to call each other before we come over, ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS!. Not because of cheating, just because I could be running lines and you know how I hate to be interrupted when I'm running lines with really hot girls.
10.) Try not to have expectations. If someone asks if you're involved, say you're open. Unless of course the guy's a scumbag or more famous than me. Then tell him you're six years deep into a committed relationship. And if it's Josh Hartnett, fucking run.
11.) You should purchase all lubes, condoms, dildos, wigs, and heels. I'll pay.
12.) Always know that I love you and care about you and only want you to be happy. I mean, you may get that part in Constantine and Keanu may want to put it in your poop chute. Then where does that leave me? I'm more useful to everyone in this world if I'm honest. I know this contract is unconventional, but so are we. If people can't accept us, they're unacceptable!
Posted by Jamie Kennedy at 6:10 PM
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Comments
Awesome Jamie, I had no idea you had this talent.
Posted by: Darren at December 16, 2007 07:26 PM
Please tell me you were going after the part of Satan in Constantine.
Posted by: Sean at December 16, 2007 08:25 PM
Ooooooh, 'Botox' is harsh and 'PIG' is even harsher (in capitals) but 'December the 7th' really does narrow it right down (if this is the real date). I foresee an angry phone call or 20 coming your way... or at least a few more strippers!
I've never been able to understand the whole Josh Hartnett thing myself (maybe he looks better in person). Reading between the lines you're running with really hot girls, I take it she misinterpreted the "fucking run" bit as "fuck 'n' run?" Or maybe you're saying he's actually your gay friend!
Posted by: IRISH N BRITISH at December 17, 2007 01:00 PM
How did she take it?
Posted by: Gordon at December 17, 2007 07:22 PM
That was kind of sweet of you Jamie.
Posted by: Wayland at December 18, 2007 12:20 PM
Even better, always meet girls at their place. Unless they're the strippers you're doing lines with. Then it's a safe bet to let them into your home; they won't remember their way back in the morning.
Posted by: Julene at December 19, 2007 09:14 PM
Jamie: I would obide by your contract....;p xoxo
Posted by: Jessica Guadix at December 21, 2007 12:21 PM
Haha. Well, a written contract is at least better those unsaid rules that one party assumes should apply and the other party doesn't. :)
Posted by: Linda at December 21, 2007 01:26 PM
wow. really mean. is this what happens when a comedian runs out of good material...he cracks hurtful jokes about an ex girlfriend who was probably nothing but good to him? no wonder u've stayed single for so long...your heartless.
Posted by: princess at December 25, 2007 10:33 PM
Holy shit. That was funny. So was the one about the fat girl, but I'm too lazy to post on that one too. You're life should be way easier by now; someone this awesome deserves more free time.
Posted by: Kara at December 27, 2007 10:28 PM
Fuckin' weird. Amusing, though.
Posted by: Brad at January 4, 2008 08:30 PM
Sorry, but this contract sounds IS FAR MORE ACCEPTABLE than some I've had to sign with the networks!
Did she sign it? LOL!
Posted by: Patricia at January 6, 2008 10:13 AM
Absolutely brilliant.
You rock my socks.
Posted by: Clare at January 14, 2008 07:12 PM
Jamie Kennedy,
YOU ARE A TRIP! My God, you've got some attitude hun and I like it. Good for you! You know what you want out of life and you know how to get it. Don't settle for less when it comes to sex and blowjobs. BUTT SEX SUCKS and suggesting it completely kills the mood. Refusing to kiss after oral should always be respected completely. It's like you went down on yourself when you kiss someone afterward. F*cking gross! Anyway, this is my comment. Take it or leave it babe. I love your passion in your blogs. It keeps me wildly entertained while sitting in the airport terminal such as today. Hey I'm passing through LA today, wanna do lunch? lol :) Cheesy...yeah, i know. Have a fabulous week! - Andrea
Posted by: Andrea at February 4, 2008 12:55 PM
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